Honk If You're Ornery

By: Jason Colthorp
By: Jason Colthorp

How do I buy a new horn? One with attitude.

Out on the road, a few things annoy me.  People on cell phones, people who don't know the rules of the road, people who stop at "Yield" signs, people who tailgate, people who don't realize their brights are on, yada, yada, yada.  Some of those things cause my annoyance to quickly turn to anger.  People on cell phones who are driving 55 on the highway b/c they don't realize where they are.  People who don't know the rules of the road-- and almost hit me.

Case in point:  Monday night I'm driving back to the station in the driving rain on Edgewood Boulevard off the highway.  I have a green light at Cedar Street and have plenty of time to make it.  Right up until some SUV turning right onto Edgewood decides to turn into the wrong (left) lane and right into my path making me swerve over to the right and then back to the left as I get around someone I can only assume learned to drive by watching "Toonces the Driving Cat."  So, now I'm livid b/c not only has this driver not looked for oncoming traffic, but they did the big sweeping turn into the wrong lane in slippery conditions AND almost caused an accident with me.  So, I lay on the horn all the way by and around this yahoo. 

Here's the problem-- I drive a minivan.  In those situations, I want a horn that bellows, "GET OUT OF MY WAY AND WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING, MORON!"

My horn squeaks, "Please excuse me, ma'am or sir."

Is it possible to get a horn implant?  This is a society of making ourselves bigger, better, stronger, and prettier.  So why not louder?  the next time some yahoo cuts me off, I want to be able to yank on a Semi horn that shakes their bumper and scares the coffee right out of their hand and into their lap. 

Ahhhh, a guy can dream, can't he?

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